So, I feel almost cheeky sitting here and trying to explain why it has taken me nearly 4 years to post something on here again. But the truth is life really does get away from you when life makes you stop physically, mentally & creatively by overwhelming your reality and forcing you to own your shadow side- you’re trying to find out who you are and why you’re here, again not a question I even thought I would be asking myself but since I have turned 30 its consumed me (amongst other things). One thing a psychotic breakdown or as I prefer to call it “Spiritual awakening” will do for you- you WILL find the answers as to who you are its just going to take some real time & effort the journey is on going.
2019 is probably the year that should have just ended as it started with me creating the future, I desired but little did I know that year really would be the year it all started to change, well at least for my perceived sanity (at least to me). A striving career as a model was on my plate and throwing myself into a fitness journey of the unusual variety, it seemed like it was all falling into place.
Until I met him. Now he shall remain nameless because to be honest this isn’t here to slate him, be about him or pull him apart but is here to remind me of my growth as a Woman and to see how far I have come to this moment Infront of the keyboard.
I take my full responsibility within the relationship and its easier for me to see it for what it was rather than what I wanted it to be after some deep reflection time with my Collection of reflection (the only way to describe the things I use and have collected that hold/resonate energy for me to reflect my thoughts and question my situations for example, the moon, crystals, pinecones. Lighters, shells, books & many other things).
When I look back now it all felt very surreal from the start, that should have been my 1st warning, it however wasn’t. within 7 days of matching, I was standing outside a local bar they were inside waiting for me and I wasn’t sure. Again warning 2- why didn’t I want to go in?? This is what I had manifested I remember the criteria so clearly and how tired I was of dealing with pointless conversations that lead to nowhere or people asking for nudes with no interest aside from the deed. He hadn’t approached you like that, he had be complimentary & supportive to the work you did- why am I doubting it now?
So in I went to see if wishes did come true. As with so many dates the first thing I look at is height & eyes- height mainly because guys lie about it- I know 5ft 10… I’m 5ft 3 so if your eye level or just above I’m not stupid and defiantly considering your ability to be honest with me or be secure in yourself. Eyes- because they never change- soul energy, authenticity, vulnerably (very attractive).
So there I was just below eye level with a man who had brought me the drink I hate most (traditional gin & slimline tonic) – that should have been my 3rd warning. I decided to be grateful and accepting of the gesture.
Dinner started in a blur and looking back it was easier to let someone order food to pick at rather than a full meal which suited me down to the ground as food can be a struggle for me (I know I must eat but I don’t get excited about food its more fuel). Suddenly out of nowhere he just kissed me, the confidence, the public acceptance- what more does a girl want, but that should have been warning number 4.
After all the warning signs I decided to ignore the red haze and things seemed to be going well, or so I thought. Effort, quality time & affection was on the menu at least for tonight Until the gaslighting started in the weeks/months that followed, the lies, deceit and constant battle between being blocked & being loved.
It created a state of craving the love, believing the dreams they told me they wanted with me and how possible it was, it all seemed so achievable so possible followed quickly by self-hatred, lack of confidence, anxiety which unfortunately impacted my career- how can one put themselves Infront of a camera if they cant even bare the sight of themselves in a mirror, it’s not an easy challenge.
I found myself in a part time job with amazing women who really helped me on my journey (you know who you are) which helped me to become a resident Sexpert providing sales experiences & sexual positivity what a job.
Unfortunately, then came the pandemic.
This is really the tip of the iceberg to be quite honest- this is literally 3months of the relationship.
that’s all I can manage for this evening. If you wish to see more give this page a share & follow my on Instagram @thegingerwomble
Deep Refection Section
Now I realise I was so desperate to be loved and appreciated I would have overlooked a whole field of red flags to feel enough. Enough for someone to make their wife, their future, their everything. The problem was I don’t even think I was enough for myself at the time, I thought I had it all figured out but, I was creating the illusion of what I thought society wanted me to become. That’s not me saying getting married is a bad thing – declaring your love to one another & sharing it with the people you love is amazing- but a legal document to say you can’t leave is a little much in my mind. Its also me not saying being a model is a bad thing either because its taught me so much about myself as a woman & as a human.
Looking back, I can see the times I was single or happy in my portfolio (what I have left as so much was lost during a very difficult time).
It went on and off for years, the promises of reflection achievement & growth from old habits only to reveal the mask was only that- a mask.
If someone disrespects, you once- believe them. They meant it. Going back doesn’t gain respect, for me its shown me they know how far your boundaries are so they will keep things below your breaking point to your face but continue things with better clean-up/secrecy.
Every time I went back, I lost a part of myself to the abyss to the point I sometimes feel like I don’t know the woman he met to the point I don’t truly know my own name, but I’m excited to find my power by sharing the story & guiding those lost in the same repeated cycles.
