Trying to understand mental health is something I’ve been trying to do for the last 13 years, I still don’t quite understand it but I have a better knowledge than most.
Battling depression, voices, compulsions and mood swings is a hard task on a daily basis. One minute I can be on cloud 9 the next I want to jump in front of a car. Yes, I’m aware that sounds drastic but in reality, that is my life.
Not understanding why I feel this was is the hardest pill to swallow along with the many others I have to take on a daily basis just to function like a Normal human being.
Overanalysing is something that really bothers me, like when someone ghosts me or cancels on me, for most people they would just brush this off like its nothing, the same cannot be said for me and my overactive brain. I will have to revisit every conversation in my head, every text, every phone call just to see if there is something I have said wrong. I fully understand that the likely hood I’ve said something is slim but when you have my condition it’s the first thing I think.
The voice can become over powering sometimes if I allow it. Ive only been able to explain what its like to people since the release of the film Venom (featuring tom hardy…….). just imagine someone shouting at you constantly that you are worthless, ugly, mental, psychotic, broken, unlovable, unwanted…. ALLL DAY LONG. I know the thought of it for most makes you feel sick, well unfortunately that’s what its like in my head most days.
Medication does dull it but it will never go away, being around positive people also dulls it but later I will over think if they can tell I’m broken, exercise also dulls it quite a bit for me but not all of the time. If there is a move in pole I’m struggling with for example the voice will keep pushing me down until I give up or prove it wrong.
Proving the voice wrong is one of the powerful things I can do. Its like getting a hammer and hitting the rock to pieces. Obviously, the rock will return but it will find another area to attack.
The Sad State is one that doesn’t visit so often but when it does its like a hurricane, destroying everything in its path and having no walls strong enough to withstand it. It can take the smallest thing that can topple the happy balance of my world for example a hurtful word taken out of context, pressure from work or a commitment, talking to someone on “the most superficial and shallow” app that is 2019 dating. I get that we all have pressures and its how you handle them, but imagine feeling a bit low because they guy you thought was great then drops the bomb “I want you as a fuck buddy but nothing more”. Most girls would be pretty hurt I imagine, but for me that one sentence can make me destroy myself internally, cry until I can’t see and probably not eat for days because “hey what’s the point”.
Trying to explain to someone your dating that you are mentally unbalanced makes most guys panic and run a mile, I’ve had a couple who have helped but ultimately, I don’t need to be fixed and they all want to be the knight in shining armour. The problem is they say I want to support you, I want to help you, ill always be there….. this is likely to be bullshit in most cases. If I’m stupid enough to fall for it, it will break me further in the long run. So, maintaining my own safe place is the best thing for me (watching Trolls with Nuggets and a milkshake in a blanket).
